Entitled Much?

Lately, I've let an attitude of entitlement creep in and it has taken root and grown into full-blown discontent with God and with everything else in my life. It started at my recent college graduation when I looked up into the stands and was so thrilled to see my family there cheering me on. At the same time, there was a big old lump in my throat because the one face I wanted to see the most in the crowd wasn't there. I think it's a perfectly normal reaction to miss your "person" in those big moments but I have held onto those thoughts, nurtured them and allowed them to completely cloud my whole Christmas.

Most of my conversations with God these past few weeks have started with "This really isn't fair God..." "Surely you didn't mean for this to be this hard for this long" and most often, " I really didn't deserve to lose my old life, God" "I deserve to have someone taking care of me instead of having to take care of everyone else". The more I have allowed this to go on, the uglier my heart has become.

Today I was complaining out loud, kind of half yelling at God while I was shoveling the piles of snow from my driveway. "Well here is just one more thing I shouldn't have to be doing for myself, I deserve to have Dave here to do these things for me," In the middle of this temper tantrum, my eyes fell on the brand new snow blower that has been sitting in my garage for two years now. It has been sitting there because I have been too stubborn to learn how to use it. At that moment I thought, "Well I am sure I can't even figure out how to start that dumb thing either God because as YOU know, I am terrible with mechanical things!" But the longer I shoveled the madder I got until I finally marched over there, yanked it out, pumped the button a few times and pulled the cord... and it started right up like I had just used it yesterday.

I stood there in my driveway with tears pouring out freezing to my face, laughing at my stubborn ridiculous, ungrateful heart and marveling at God's faithfulness to me time and time again. It's amazing how quickly I can become so unbelievably selfish and short-sightedly when I focus on what I think I "deserve". The truth is... I deserve nothing, but He has given me abundantly beyond what I could ever deserve. I cried the whole time I cleared my driveway thanking God for using such a simple thing to reveal the ugly condition of my thoughts and for his relentless desire to win back my ever wandering heart.

7 Birthdays in Heaven

46 years ago today you entered the world and things got a little lighter, a lot sassier, so much funnier and most of all a whole lot more love was spread around during your time here on earth. 

7 birthdays in heaven for you now Dave and we still miss you terribly. So thankful that you knew Jesus and you showed us what it was like to live for Him and love others like He did. 

Happy Birthday to you David Michael Robecker 12/15/1971 - 3/7/2011.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

What a Ride

26 years ago today I made what has still turned out to be the single best decision of my life. Even though to most people at that time it seemed like the worst. But who could blame them for thinking that as they watched two absolutely clueless kids standing before each pledging their whole lives to one another? In truth, we really had no idea how much commitment and sacrifice it would take to make a marriage work the way God intends.

There so many were times through the years that I thought, "This is just too hard, I can't keep going because it's too much" but there were more when I thought "How could I be so incredibly lucky to be married to this man and have this life?"

What a crazy, difficult, amazing ride it was as we loved and fought and cried and laughed and grew up together. Looking back, I wouldn't trade one single second of it, not even losing you, even though it still hurts every day. Because there is nothing in my life that has taught me more and changed me for the better than the time I got to spend with you. Love and miss you Dave. Thanks for sticking with me all those years.

Timing

I was upset all day about a frustrating situation that I have no control over. On the way home the radio announcer said: "Maybe some of you are feeling frustrated about a situation that you have absolutely no control over... If so here is a verse for you" and then she read this:

"My God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD'S word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?" Psalm 18:28-30

How amazing is the God who could orchestrate those exact words from the announcer during my seven-minute drive home today....

Changing My Mind

Six years feels like a life time ago, but also just a few seconds since you were making me laugh, driving me crazy with your dumb jokes and stubborn ways and filling up our lives with your love. It has been my habit to spend the anniversary of your death thinking about all the great things you have missed out on here on earth as another year passes by. But since the summer God has been really working on me to think less about myself and more about Him, and to be less earthly minded and more heavenly focused. 

So this year, instead of thinking about the things I feel you have missed out on in the last six years, I am going to give thanks for what you have gained since March 7, 2011. That moment you entered the arms of Jesus, you gained a totally and completely pain free life. No more tears, no more death, no more mourning or crying. You gained freedom from selfishness, anger, exhaustion and the baggage that we all carry around as a result of living in a broken world. You traded your tired, earthly body for a brand new, totally perfect heavenly one. Most of all you have no more unanswered questions because you gained the mind of Christ on that day and finally see all things perfectly. 

For these truths I am a little jealous, because I know that while life on earth can be amazing, it also incredibly hard and I am still here, so I will keep facing the tough things just like you did. When I compare what I believe you are missing out on here on earth, with what I can barely even understand about what you gained in heaven, I can't even begin to comprehend how much greater heaven is for you. And I can't imagine asking you to trade those gifts of perfection to be with me again, as much as I still wish you were here.

Celebrating six years for you in heaven Dave. Love you with all my heart.

David Michael Robecker 
12-15-1971 - 3-7-2011