Long Time No Blog

It is hard to admit this but I have really neglected this blog. I knew it deep down but I have had a million excuses for why I have not been writing.  Moreover, I have neglected God's continual prompting to keep sharing what I am learning from Him through my journey of grief, healing and continuing to build this new life.  Recently a friend reminded me that I told her a while ago "God hasn't been teaching me all these things to keep them to myself". Ouch... I have totally been keeping things to myself.

I guess it is easier to not talk about the hard things, to hold them in. Holding tightly to my hurts and fears has become a new habit and it feels like it takes a lot more effort to recount the joys and praises too.  Earlier this year I felt God speaking over and over to me- "Tell you story- Tell MY story of who I have become in your life".

So in an effort to be more obedient and less selfish, I am back to this blog. I have been recounting a few things on Facebook over the past four years, but I realize that I need to record things in a more organized and permanent place than random Facebook posts. I am in the process of transferring some of those posts over that were about more pivotal things from the past few years. I am wondering where the rest of the story will come from - but I have a feeling the pile of dusty journals that I have filled over the past 6 years may play a part in that...

Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

Tracey

7 Birthdays in Heaven

46 years ago today you entered the world and things got a little lighter, a lot sassier, so much funnier and most of all a whole lot more love was spread around during your time here on earth. 

7 birthdays in heaven for you now Dave and we still miss you terribly. So thankful that you knew Jesus and you showed us what it was like to live for Him and love others like He did. 

Happy Birthday to you David Michael Robecker 12/15/1971 - 3/7/2011.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

What a Ride

26 years ago today I made what has still turned out to be the single best decision of my life. Even though to most people at that time it seemed like the worst. But who could blame them for thinking that as they watched two absolutely clueless kids standing before each pledging their whole lives to one another? In truth, we really had no idea how much commitment and sacrifice it would take to make a marriage work the way God intends.

There so many were times through the years that I thought, "This is just too hard, I can't keep going because it's too much" but there were more when I thought "How could I be so incredibly lucky to be married to this man and have this life?"

What a crazy, difficult, amazing ride it was as we loved and fought and cried and laughed and grew up together. Looking back, I wouldn't trade one single second of it, not even losing you, even though it still hurts every day. Because there is nothing in my life that has taught me more and changed me for the better than the time I got to spend with you. Love and miss you Dave. Thanks for sticking with me all those years.

Timing

I was upset all day about a frustrating situation that I have no control over. On the way home the radio announcer said: "Maybe some of you are feeling frustrated about a situation that you have absolutely no control over... If so here is a verse for you" and then she read this:

"My God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD'S word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?" Psalm 18:28-30

How amazing is the God who could orchestrate those exact words from the announcer during my seven-minute drive home today....

Changing My Mind

Six years feels like a life time ago, but also just a few seconds since you were making me laugh, driving me crazy with your dumb jokes and stubborn ways and filling up our lives with your love. It has been my habit to spend the anniversary of your death thinking about all the great things you have missed out on here on earth as another year passes by. But since the summer God has been really working on me to think less about myself and more about Him, and to be less earthly minded and more heavenly focused. 

So this year, instead of thinking about the things I feel you have missed out on in the last six years, I am going to give thanks for what you have gained since March 7, 2011. That moment you entered the arms of Jesus, you gained a totally and completely pain free life. No more tears, no more death, no more mourning or crying. You gained freedom from selfishness, anger, exhaustion and the baggage that we all carry around as a result of living in a broken world. You traded your tired, earthly body for a brand new, totally perfect heavenly one. Most of all you have no more unanswered questions because you gained the mind of Christ on that day and finally see all things perfectly. 

For these truths I am a little jealous, because I know that while life on earth can be amazing, it also incredibly hard and I am still here, so I will keep facing the tough things just like you did. When I compare what I believe you are missing out on here on earth, with what I can barely even understand about what you gained in heaven, I can't even begin to comprehend how much greater heaven is for you. And I can't imagine asking you to trade those gifts of perfection to be with me again, as much as I still wish you were here.

Celebrating six years for you in heaven Dave. Love you with all my heart.

David Michael Robecker 
12-15-1971 - 3-7-2011

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day has been one of my least favorite days on the calendar these past few years. I usually avoid the greeting card aisle in the store like the plague. A few years ago I actually made cards out of construction paper just to avoid the rows and rows of shiny red reminders that I wouldn't be exchanging one with my love anymore. But time is softening this wound in my heart. This year I stood in that aisle and picked out cards for my family and I didn't even think about it until I was on the way home. Today I woke to read the nicest text ever from my son, followed by a FaceTime call from a three-year-old telling me I was "bootfiul" and "osome". Most of all I woke up feeling God saying "I LOVE YOU! I loved you before time began and my love is just as great at this moment." I hope this will be my new focus for this day in years to come. Even if I still shed a few tears, that's okay too.  

So if you are super loved today with flowers, candy and cards overflowing or if you are super lonely and you don't hear Happy Valentines Day from anyone else- Happy Valentines Day to you my friend! And the one who was your original Valentine from before the foundations of the earth were formed (Jesus) wants you to know He loves you so much! 

I wanted to end this little love letter to all of you with a funny Valentines Day story. On Valentines Day in 2005, Dave was so busy running our business that he totally forgot. So he scribbled this note to me on an envelope before he came in the house. He felt so bad he didn't have anything for me. The next year he burst into the house with flowers and candy and gifts for me and the kids and shouted "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY GUYS!!" but the only problem was it was February 13th.... In typical Dave style, he came right back with "Oh?? Well yeah, I knew that I just wanted to be early".