Entitled Much?

Lately, I've let an attitude of entitlement creep in and it has taken root and grown into full-blown discontent with God and with everything else in my life. It started at my recent college graduation when I looked up into the stands and was so thrilled to see my family there cheering me on. At the same time, there was a big old lump in my throat because the one face I wanted to see the most in the crowd wasn't there. I think it's a perfectly normal reaction to miss your "person" in those big moments but I have held onto those thoughts, nurtured them and allowed them to completely cloud my whole Christmas.

Most of my conversations with God these past few weeks have started with "This really isn't fair God..." "Surely you didn't mean for this to be this hard for this long" and most often, " I really didn't deserve to lose my old life, God" "I deserve to have someone taking care of me instead of having to take care of everyone else". The more I have allowed this to go on, the uglier my heart has become.

Today I was complaining out loud, kind of half yelling at God while I was shoveling the piles of snow from my driveway. "Well here is just one more thing I shouldn't have to be doing for myself, I deserve to have Dave here to do these things for me," In the middle of this temper tantrum, my eyes fell on the brand new snow blower that has been sitting in my garage for two years now. It has been sitting there because I have been too stubborn to learn how to use it. At that moment I thought, "Well I am sure I can't even figure out how to start that dumb thing either God because as YOU know, I am terrible with mechanical things!" But the longer I shoveled the madder I got until I finally marched over there, yanked it out, pumped the button a few times and pulled the cord... and it started right up like I had just used it yesterday.

I stood there in my driveway with tears pouring out freezing to my face, laughing at my stubborn ridiculous, ungrateful heart and marveling at God's faithfulness to me time and time again. It's amazing how quickly I can become so unbelievably selfish and short-sightedly when I focus on what I think I "deserve". The truth is... I deserve nothing, but He has given me abundantly beyond what I could ever deserve. I cried the whole time I cleared my driveway thanking God for using such a simple thing to reveal the ugly condition of my thoughts and for his relentless desire to win back my ever wandering heart.