Changing My Mind

Six years feels like a life time ago, but also just a few seconds since you were making me laugh, driving me crazy with your dumb jokes and stubborn ways and filling up our lives with your love. It has been my habit to spend the anniversary of your death thinking about all the great things you have missed out on here on earth as another year passes by. But since the summer God has been really working on me to think less about myself and more about Him, and to be less earthly minded and more heavenly focused. 

So this year, instead of thinking about the things I feel you have missed out on in the last six years, I am going to give thanks for what you have gained since March 7, 2011. That moment you entered the arms of Jesus, you gained a totally and completely pain free life. No more tears, no more death, no more mourning or crying. You gained freedom from selfishness, anger, exhaustion and the baggage that we all carry around as a result of living in a broken world. You traded your tired, earthly body for a brand new, totally perfect heavenly one. Most of all you have no more unanswered questions because you gained the mind of Christ on that day and finally see all things perfectly. 

For these truths I am a little jealous, because I know that while life on earth can be amazing, it also incredibly hard and I am still here, so I will keep facing the tough things just like you did. When I compare what I believe you are missing out on here on earth, with what I can barely even understand about what you gained in heaven, I can't even begin to comprehend how much greater heaven is for you. And I can't imagine asking you to trade those gifts of perfection to be with me again, as much as I still wish you were here.

Celebrating six years for you in heaven Dave. Love you with all my heart.

David Michael Robecker 
12-15-1971 - 3-7-2011

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day has been one of my least favorite days on the calendar these past few years. I usually avoid the greeting card aisle in the store like the plague. A few years ago I actually made cards out of construction paper just to avoid the rows and rows of shiny red reminders that I wouldn't be exchanging one with my love anymore. But time is softening this wound in my heart. This year I stood in that aisle and picked out cards for my family and I didn't even think about it until I was on the way home. Today I woke to read the nicest text ever from my son, followed by a FaceTime call from a three-year-old telling me I was "bootfiul" and "osome". Most of all I woke up feeling God saying "I LOVE YOU! I loved you before time began and my love is just as great at this moment." I hope this will be my new focus for this day in years to come. Even if I still shed a few tears, that's okay too.  

So if you are super loved today with flowers, candy and cards overflowing or if you are super lonely and you don't hear Happy Valentines Day from anyone else- Happy Valentines Day to you my friend! And the one who was your original Valentine from before the foundations of the earth were formed (Jesus) wants you to know He loves you so much! 

I wanted to end this little love letter to all of you with a funny Valentines Day story. On Valentines Day in 2005, Dave was so busy running our business that he totally forgot. So he scribbled this note to me on an envelope before he came in the house. He felt so bad he didn't have anything for me. The next year he burst into the house with flowers and candy and gifts for me and the kids and shouted "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY GUYS!!" but the only problem was it was February 13th.... In typical Dave style, he came right back with "Oh?? Well yeah, I knew that I just wanted to be early".

Better than a Snow Day

Today would be Dave's 45th birthday. I was thinking today would be the perfect birthday for him because it's absolutely dumping snow here and he was a maniac when it snowed. The first sign of flakes and he would run all over the house yelling "SNOW DAY". My favorite memory of him ever was one winter when we didn't get any snow and Taylor was so sad. So he drove up into the mountains and loaded the bed of his truck with snow and dumped it in the driveway so she and the neighbor kids could have one snow day.

I am positive that every single moment in heaven is better than a snow day and his favorite little wild blackberry pie, but I am so thankful we got to see him get so much joy out of the little things while he was here on earth

Love you, Dave! 12-15-71- 3-7-11

Signs, Signs, Signs

The State of Washington built a beautiful memorial for Dave. It sits exactly mids-span on the bridge that he was working on when he was killed.  The spot is just incredible.  One side of the bridge has panoramic views of the Olympic Mountain Range. The other side looks out over the water where ships and ferries float serenely by. There is a walking path filled with joggers, families taking a stroll and kids whizzing by on bikes.  Generally it is one of my favorite places on earth. Usually I gain so much peace and perspective just from sitting for an hour in this sacred spot.  

I was fortunate enough to get to spend some time on that bridge today. But this year was different.  In fact, I almost turned around when I was halfway there because I just wasn't feeling like being there this year. 

On the way there, I ran into Safeway to grab roses and Coke to leave at the plaque and the checker kind of barked at me, "You okay? You look kinda sad!" I said "Oh! I'm okay. How are you?" Without missing a beat she said, "Oh I'm just livin' the dream".  Anyone who spent even one day with Dave knows that was one of his very favorite sayings. Poor checker probably thought I was nuts when I burst out laughing and crying at the same time. Got back in my car and Hank Williams Jr (Dave's all-time favorite artist) was playing on the radio. Right, when I got to the top of the bridge the sun broke through the clouds for like two minutes and shone right on me. After being up there a while, I got back in my car and the very first song was "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (Dave's favorite song and the one played at his service).

Anyone who knows me knows I am not a big believer in signs, but I know that today God used a crabby checker at Safeway, songs on the radio and a little sun break on a gloomy Pacific Northwest day to remind me that He is right with me in those moments when my heart still aches and that He uses little things to show how big His love is for me.

Hold on Loosely...

I just watched my son drive away for his first solo road trip. He and four other Belgrade HS seniors are headed to the Senior Basketball Showcase... in Billings… In my truck... It took everything in me not to run down the driveway and say "Wait! What if I just drive you guys? It could be fun…..". 

I had a pathetic "mom moment" wiping away my tears on the porch, wanting to hang onto the little boy who is changing before my very eyes into a man. As I stood there, I felt God's hand on my shoulder and His voice in my ear saying " I AM". I AM with them on the road, "I AM" in their conversations and in their decisions. "I AM" with them on the court this weekend. But most of all, "I AM" with you at this very moment when your heart is aching in the letting go. 

So to the moms reading this who are in the trenches with your little ones, hold them extra tightly today and soak in their sweetness because your time with them goes so fast even when it seems like it is standing still. To my fellow Mama's that see that empty nesting looming up ahead and you feel your "babies" slipping from your once tight grasp, God understands the heartache that comes from loosening your grip.  And to any of my praying friends reading this- there are 5 extremely excited high school boys heading down the freeway, reveling in their newly appointed freedom- so pray for safety and smart decisions for them. 

True Legacy

Today is one of “those” days. Not as in a bad day… like it was just “one of those days”. Today is a day that everyone warns you about when you start the journey of grief. You’re told birthdays, anniversaries, holidays are going to be a lot harder because you will remember everything about your loved one and how they aren’t there. This I have found for the most part to be true. Not always but mostly. I can have a bad day for no reason at all too. Like in the middle of the frozen food section of the grocery store… a full on sobbing melt down while deciding which type of waffles to pick (true story- poor unfortunate clerk stocking the case in Safeway- it wasn’t you I promise).  But the truth is “milestone” days can be daunting to face. 

Today would be my 23^rd wedding anniversary. 23 years ago a terrified young woman (barely not a girl anymore) took a step down the aisle of a boiling hot church toward a cocky young man (barely not a boy) and pledged her life to him. A life stretched before them they could never have dreamed.  A life so hard that if they had known what was coming, both would have probably bolted from the church and never looked back. And a life so overflowing with joy that if they had know what was coming they might have only each said the two most important words in the ceremony to get it over and get their life started together.  Neither knew that day those 19 years would fly by in a blink and death would separate them in an instant.

 I have handled this date differently every year. The first year I sat on a beach and watched the waves roll in as the tears poured down my face, then I dragged my kids up a mountain on a hike while they complained every step until I yelled- “This is a bad day for me dang it!! So we are going to have fun if it kills us!” Not my finest moment as a parent but I was doing the best I could at the time. The next year I spent it quietly without feeling much at all and last year I was traveling and didn’t have time to contemplate it between switching planes and rushing to my next destination.

Then we come to this year. 23 years… The ache has been there in the pit of my stomach for days and I have found myself back in the pattern of wandering aimlessly through my day, which I have found is a normal reaction for me when the waves of grief rise up.  I had mapped out my plan to celebrate it in a way I thought would help me most and then random circumstances caused those plans to totally fall apart. So yesterday I was riding in a car, moving towards this day in total panic and trepidation. The tears started yesterday morning immediately and continued much of the day.  They rolled silently down my face behind my sunglasses, as I watched the waving wheat fields of Eastern Washington pass me by. Moving me closer mile-by-mile to the places that most remind me of Dave.  The other people in the car had no idea I cried so much yesterday, or if they did they were kind enough not to bring it up. The two in the front are working on their own journey of love and struggle through this gift called marriage. They laughed and joked and dreamed of what is next for them in this crazy phase of new love and building a family. The baby in the back with me giggled and babbled and when he smiled his eyes crinkled up reminding me so very much of the person I was missing at that moment. The Grandpa who would have bounced and tickled and made up crazy songs and just loved every single second he could get with this sweet boy.  I lay in bed last night under the roof of family. My haven, my rest from this stormy time in my life and wished that I could just stay there until the next day had passed. Asking God how can I get up and face tomorrow with an ache that feels like it will swallow me whole? 

But this morning when I woke up the ache was gone and in its place was something I struggle to find these days… It was overflowing, unbelievable thankfulness.  Thankfulness for so many things it was crazy. Sunshine for this trip, seeing faces of friends at church I have missed so much, safety for the trip we just made, plans this week to see amazing people…

 At the top of all this list of thankfulness was the realization of how grateful I am that a terrified young woman took that trip down the aisle towards a cocky young man who thought he could take on the world and love her better than anyone else.  He did try to take on the world and got knocked down quite a bit in the process, but he always got up again and again. And he did love that young woman with a fierce, protective, unselfish love that most would only dream of experiencing in their lifetime.  I am also overflowing with thankfulness for the two amazing children that came from that marriage and now a beautiful grandson who’s smile remind me so much of his grandpa’s.  This is true legacy. Not land, not money, not fame or things. Legacy is the memories you build. The good, the bad, the suffering and the joy. Those things build a true legacy and they are all that is left of a life lived well. 

So today is not a day I am going to dread.  Today or any other day from here on out if I can help it. I am realizing that  July 27, 1991 was the start of an amazing beginning. And everyday that I face from here on out, no matter how scared I am, no matter what I am struggling with, that day could be the start of a journey to something beyond my comprehension. Just like my wedding day was.  And I don’t want to miss what is in store for me, because life is full of sorrow but it is also full of wonder and love.  And life is SO short. We say that all the time but do we really grasp the truth in that? God gives us this time on earth to make every second count for Him, for eternity.  So what am I going to do with this? What can we all take away from this? Here are some things I think could help if we all worked on them daily. Today hug the ones you love. Tell them how important they are to you. Do something spontaneous with your family that you would never do. You don’t know how precious that memory could be later. And finally, if you need to… tell someone you are sorry. Mend that relationship that has been a little messed up or maybe a lot messed up. I can guarantee a little humility now in being the one to take the first step will go a long way to fixing the situation. And you won’t regret it. Regret comes when you never have the chance to say something to make it right… not when you have to be the first one to say it.  Let love become your true legacy.