Keeping it real...

This post has been sitting as a draft in my blog account since October of 2014.  There have been many times that I have stared at this blank white screen trying to finish it, but the words would just not come out.  Today I finally am able to finish putting to words what has been a continual struggle for me regarding anger.  Not a happy-all-tied-up-in-a-pretty-ribbon ending... but a here it is- the-down-and-dirty-real-deal-truth-about-my-continual-struggle.

Stormy seas of circumstances and emotions had carried me to a new place in my grief journey. At the end of a very long and emotional season, I found myself suddenly rooted, totally stuck actually, smack dab in the dark land of a place called Anger.  Anger is a place I had not been before for any length of time.  It is well known that Anger is a very common phase of grief but until the past few months, I didn't feel it…I just couldn't. I thought it was something I would just skip over. Not because I wanted to, or I tried. It was just something that seemed to be locked up inside of me that I couldn't access even if I wanted to.  I had stumbled into it on a few occasions and remained there very temporarily because of circumstances or a flash of emotion but it was never a permanent place for me. Mostly these flashes came when I saw my children suffering. The anger would rise up as I watched them literally writhing in pain in their grief. During their toughest moments, their pain would cause anger to bubble to the surface as I questioned how their God could allow this agony into their life. How it could be good for them to hurt like this?  But as quickly as it rose it up, it would subside and settle back down somewhere hidden again.  The anger was never for myself or my loss. God had been too good. His blessings too rich for me to question or to even feel like I had a right to be angry at myself. It seemed so disrespectful, so unthinkable to be angry with the God who had done so much for me.  

In the early days after Dave's death, our pastor asked me one day if I had gotten angry yet.. with God... I was totally defensive and appalled at the suggestion. I told him " I am not angry! God's word says "'All of our days were written in the book of life before one came to pass'. Dave's days were written in a way that he had 39 years here on earth. To be angry about that would be to question God's ways and I am not doing that".  Our very wise and loving pastor just smiled and said: "Yeah- you're still going to get angry and it is better to face it and be honest with God because He already knows how you feel about it".  I thought smugly to myself "What do you know? Your husband did not just die".  (Incidentally, I feel so terrible about this now and if you are ever reading this Glenn- you are amazing and we would never have gotten through those days without you). I claim the full on the craziness of grief for my attitude back then. A few days later- on a particularly rough day- when both my kids were out of their minds with grief, sobbing in their pain- I found myself outside in our backyard and streams of anger and frustration gushed out of me. I raged and screamed out loud at the sky for an hour like a crazy person asking God "Where are you? Why did you do this? What were you thinking?"  In the end, I crumpled to the grass and sobbed until I was so exhausted that I could barely get back into the house.  I remember thinking "Okay- that was good- I got mad and now I am done". Little did I know there are many layers of anger. And it can creep back in silently over time and settle deep into your life and your soul.  

Anger has recently re-manifested itself in my life like a slow steady boil of a pot of water on the stove. Tiny ripples at first, bits of resentment and jealousy that slowly begin to bubble and spread until it is a full rolling boil of fury and pain.  The more I fought it the worse it became.  Until one day I realized how unbelievably angry I had become at everyone and everything in my life. I see now the root of my anger was held by deep-seated resentment that my life is just not what I always thought it would be. I was angry at my friends who had husbands to do things with on the weekends, families around their dinner tables, laughter that rang out in the hallways of their houses.  My house had become a tomb of silence - my nest was empty and so was my heart and soul.  The worst part of this whole time was that I continually pretended to not be angry.  I had let my anger out in one large burst that night in my backyard several years ago, but I neglected to really give over my heart to God to protect it from the future path of resentment.  I was careless in my attempts to find contentment with God alone. This carelessly created a crack for pity, jealousy, and resentment to sprout tiny seeds which eventually grew into a raging field of fury.  I had to get real with God about how angry I was that He had chosen me for a different kind of life, a different earthly reality that does not translate into a permanent heavenly one.  

That's the crux of where I think my anger continues to surface.  I want my own way... my flesh.. my weak human self desires what I want when I want it. And the object of the wanting can be the issue. If I want a new pair of shoes or a vacation that is one thing. In my own strength, I can overcome those wants without being angry. But what if the object of your affection - that you long for is a real-life person? And not just any person, THE person who you spent half your life with... the person you built all your hopes and dreams and plans around. What if you want that specific person and God says no? That is where I find myself some days and it makes me MAD. And no person in their human strength can overcome the kind of anger this longing can produce.  Lately, I have come to realize that anger in grief and loss is not a one-time event- you can't just spout it out like steam from a teapot and be done. Events, circumstances and moments will continually come and challenge your ability to be content with God in your loss.  "Getting Real" that one time with God in the backyard did not magically innoculate me from anger. It is a continual process of being real and honest and totally transparent with God about my feelings that will help me deal with anger in a healthy way.  

I wish I could say that everything is better now- that I never get jealous or resentful or angry.  It is simply not true.  But I am better than I was before and I am working much harder at keeping it real.  

Long Time No Blog

It is hard to admit this but I have really neglected this blog. I knew it deep down but I have had a million excuses for why I have not been writing.  Moreover, I have neglected God's continual prompting to keep sharing what I am learning from Him through my journey of grief, healing and continuing to build this new life.  Recently a friend reminded me that I told her a while ago "God hasn't been teaching me all these things to keep them to myself". Ouch... I have totally been keeping things to myself.

I guess it is easier to not talk about the hard things, to hold them in. Holding tightly to my hurts and fears has become a new habit and it feels like it takes a lot more effort to recount the joys and praises too.  Earlier this year I felt God speaking over and over to me- "Tell you story- Tell MY story of who I have become in your life".

So in an effort to be more obedient and less selfish, I am back to this blog. I have been recounting a few things on Facebook over the past four years, but I realize that I need to record things in a more organized and permanent place than random Facebook posts. I am in the process of transferring some of those posts over that were about more pivotal things from the past few years. I am wondering where the rest of the story will come from - but I have a feeling the pile of dusty journals that I have filled over the past 6 years may play a part in that...

Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

Tracey